My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
