Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
