never play flip cup with pint glasses
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Randomize
