i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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