Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
