I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
