turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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