Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
