who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
