Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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