Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I want her autograph on my taint
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
