so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
