After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
