Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
