i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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