why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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