the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
