my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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