I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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