Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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