Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
