I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
