I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
