Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
