i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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