There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
