Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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