How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
