My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
