some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
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