Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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