If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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