So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
