upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
