You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
