There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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