plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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