So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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