i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
