he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
