i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
