A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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