I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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