At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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