I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
