I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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