Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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