'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
