He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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