Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
