Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
it glows. i had to have it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Randomize
